Dear Scotts, purveyors of fine suet cakes that are being gobbled at the speed of light by flocks of mooching nuthatches, woodpeckers, chickadees and other assorted feathered friends:
I have a complaint.
I want to know just what is it you put in your bird food that creates more methane than a dozen herd of cows when it’s eaten by a collection of birds that would not match a cow’s hoof in size or weight. How do I know they fart? Well, I’m going to tell you. And I’m so glad you asked.
I’m sure you understand that a dog’s hearing is far superior to a human’s. Perhaps you are unaware though, that a blind dog’s hearing is…well, extraordinary. They, or Grady specifically, can hear trays of Timbits being taken out of the oven, 23 miles away. So hearing birds expel gas is child’s play to him. The hearing is not the problem. It is the barking.
Grady lays in front of the patio door, unaware of just why the cats are chirping and salivating all over his bed. He couldn’t care less, since his olfactory skills also tell him that it’s not food they are excited about. It’s the birds out on the patio, shovelling up the seed into their pointy little beaks. Grady of course, can’t see them. Out of sight, out of mind. And the barking is driving me out of mine.
It’s not like he barks at every little noise. He takes no notice at all of screaming Blue Jays, Chickadees and cats hitting the patio door (from opposite sides). Not a hair does he turn when I stub my toes on the treadmill at 4am on my way to the bathroom. But when all things are quiet, and even my pretty good hearing detects nothing that sounds like someone is using explosives to breach the door and steal our Dentastix, he goes ballistic. This of course sets off Stage 2 ballistics from Brandy, who possibly can’t hear birds breaking wind, but if Grady barks, by doG, she’ll bark until he stops. And then bark some more to make sure the birds know that they better stop that right now. The suddenness of said barking scares the living crap out of me.
Since Grady is usually right by the Seed Smorgasbord out on the deck, it has to be the birds. I would posit that it was the cracking of sunflower seed shells, but it happens when the only thing being consumed is bits of fruit or microscopic seeds. And given the speed at which these little feathered fiends ingest said material, they have got to have gas.
I would appreciate it if you could start coating your products in Gas-X or some other animal friendly fart-reducing substance. My nerves can’t stand much more.
The bark brigade, defending hearth and home from farting feathered friends.
Goodness. We’ve never thought about this rather profound topic before. Do birds fart? We’re going to have to do some research!!
Wally & Sammy
Well just be careful how close you get to them. They must be some bad the way Grady carries on 🙂
I don’t know if birds fart, but this is hysterical. 🙂
I’m quite sure they do. Grady says so!
The extra barking must be a little dog thing. The Malt does it also. So far the puppy hasn’t taken up recreational barking, but then, German Shepherds are usually pretty quiet dogs. If my birds start farting though, all bets are off.
But she barks and barks and barks. Grady gets up off the bed, she barks. Birds fart, I get gatling gun barking from them both.
Too, too funny! Thanks for a good start to Monday.
You’re welcome 🙂 The barking is not nearly as entertaining at 3am. I think they fart in their sleep too.
I’m sure it isn’t! We have a dog who is a barking machine, and often I have no idea what has set her off, so you have my sympathies. But the blog was still terribly entertaining.
My Max does the same thing – we live in the woods and I swear he hears the squirrels fart and has to let them know that he heard them, and that they had best not do that again if they value their lives. Silly dogs!
If only they would swap barking for a gentle tap on the arm to let us know.
Oh my, Grady. I’ve been wondering why Miss Harper Lee just sits beneath the holly tree with her nose pointed in the air while the squirrels work to consume every single berry. Now you have me thinking that she likes the smell.
Maybe the likes the aroma of nut methane. I wonder if that is significantly different from birdseed gas?
I don’t think I want to find out!
Poor Grady, it has to be difficult for him to get a good night’s sleep with all that noise and the smell can’t be pleasant either. And I have to say that Grady looks great.
Really? Well I never!
I daresay Grady never either till he moved here 😉
I daresay Grady never either till he moved here 😉
Bawahwhahhwhah Grady youa crack uz up.. Hope’z you all had a super Easter and that youz got load’z of Turkey treat’z xxoxxxx
Mollie and Alfie
I did hear a complaint about one stinking piece of ham 😉 But it was a good weekend.