I have discovered since giving Grady pig ears, that he has a philosophical streak. He will lay there and tear, bite or chew off a piece and masticate it while questioning and/or solving all the issues of man and dogkind. This of course, is when he’s not filching food off the counter. Fresh or frozen, it’s all fair game to him.
A typical session of inner examination goes something like this:
Bite 1: Mm, good. Not as much fiber as the cat hairball I ate last night, but good. I really ought to get a job as dietary consultant to dogs in third world countries. Give a dog a bone, he chews for a day. Teach him to fetch it and you’ll never have peace. Bark! Bark! Bark! That will teach whoever it is that knocks at the front door and leaves things that make her swear. I wonder if she’s still mad about the rolls I snagged off the counter last Friday.
Bite 2: You know what the problem with the world is? They don’t have enough chew toys. If everyone just laid down and chewed for a while like this, there’d be far fewer arguments. A pig ear in every pot would solve the world’s woes. Unless the pot was on the counter, and you knocked it over trying to get the pig ear out. There’s that freaking squirrel trying to climb the patio door again. I wonder if there are any rolls left.
Bite 3: I wish she’d turn off the radio. I still think inflicting CBC radio on us every day is animal cruelty. Though at times I would like to call in to the noon program when they have the smartass vet on. He is so wrong on so many things. He knows nothing when it comes to why we lick our butts if there is someone visiting. It’s a displacement reaction that allows us to hide our embarrassment for our humoms when Aunt Sallie shows up in Spandex. And doesn’t bring us anything to eat. Not even a roll. Sneeze! Sneeze! Sneeze! Damn cat farts under my nose every time.
Bite 4: Now if I were a politician, I’d tell the government they were barking up the wrong tree. Mail delivery every two days? Do you have any idea what that will do to the dog population of Canada? There aren’t enough doggy psychiatrists to handle the backlash. I would try and convey how passionate I am about the issue by worming my way in between her knees and staring, but I’m pretty sure she’s still ticked about those rolls. Ah nuts, I’ll just scratch my ear with my back foot instead. Oops, cat stuck between the toes again.
Bite 5: I don’t understand “fashion”. Why do humans need to keep taking off their fur and replacing it with new fur. I have one suit. It does for formal occasions like butt sniffing, and for casual encounters like trying to toss a cat. It’s wash and dry, no ironing, and if I get food on it, like crumbs from frozen rolls, I just lick them off. What was that? Did I hear the rattle of grocery bags?
Bite 6: Shrinkage, it’s all about shrinkage. You get less and less stuff in packages these days for higher and higher prices. Just look at this pig ear – only a shred left. Not even good for a half hour chew. It wasn’t hardly enough to take the edge off before dinner. Maybe I ought to go check the counter again, in case she got more rolls. I should probably put on the innocent face, first.
The Grady Report 